Todd Smith was a short man and extremely skinny. He had light brown hair and blue eyes. His fragile blue veins were visible through his pale skin, and he had purple black circles under his eyes. The circles he earned through working middle management and taking care of his family. Plus the added stress of worrying about broken appliances in his home, the costs of paying others to take care of his lawn, and his impotence. Todd Smith was very shocked one morning when he woke up, went into his bathroom, and found a naked man in inexplicably lying in his bathtub.
The man was submersed in a mixture of beer and ice-cubes. Steel metallic gray hair covered his tanned body. The man had a thick iron colored beard which covered the whole of his face. Beneath his skin were massive muscles accented by battle scars which indicated a life of work, combat, and hardship. The man in the tub had an eye-patch covering one of his eyes.
Not wanting to confront this problem directly, Todd searched the bathroom until he found a plunger. Todd softly used this instrument to prod the man in the tub for several minutes before the man finally awakened. Todd recoiled as the man in the tub snatched the plunger from him and snapped it in half. The man's steel blue eye studied Todd as the former bit a piece of the robber end of the plunger off, chewed it up, and spit it onto the bathroom floor.
“I just washed that floor.” was Todd's reply. The strange man replied only with a cold stare, and Todd asked, “What are you doing in my bathtub?”
The man shrugged, “I have no idea. Did you have a party here last night?”
Todd shook his head, “No, I never have parties. Except at Christmas, and then they're usually alcohol free.”
“That's a shame.” the man in the tub replied, “Round Christmas time when people visit their families is when they need alcohol the most.”
Todd frowned, “That's not necessarily true.”
“Trust me, it is for people who have value.” said the man in the tub before standing up.
Todd was intimidated by the man in the tub's mighty phallus. Todd timidly asked the man, “Could you get out of here? I have to go to work in a little while.”
“Call your employer, tell them your ass is sick today.” replied the man in the tub.
“But I'm not sick.” said Todd.
The man in the tub narrowed his eyes at Todd, “Well then lie. If you really believe you aren't sick.”
“I'm not...” Todd began before displaying an expression of horror, “I'm not sick am I? You didn't infect me with some disease did you? You didn't put anthrax in my pillow, did you?”
The man in the tub chuckled, “You have a disease far worse than anthrax, dick. You're a sissy. Your house is unprotected. Guys can just waltz in naked and pass out in a tub of beer undetected. Imagine what else could have happened. Someone could have robbed your family. Taken your daughter as their pagan sacrifice. I could have been sent here by someone you know as a greater plot to kill you. You've got to take the day off and work on security. Buy some bears, knives, chainsaws, battle axes, swords, flamethrowers, machine guns, drums of gasoline, piano wire, dynamite, hydrochloric acid, a violin, and a shovel.”
Todd paused for a moment and then said, “I have an ADT security system.”
The man in the tub gave Todd a look of scorn and said, “You're going to entrust your security to a damn machine? Make yourself a machine. Be unfeeling, relentless. Become a titanium fisted, steel cloaked, copper veined, iron footed, diamond boned, plutonium muscled, uranium chested heathen god manifestation of death which bleeds clear silver mercury. Let your heart become a radioactive crucible, burning and torturing all that come near. Give up everything you love for power. You know your opponent will. You know your opponent will do everything in his power to become more than an ordinary thief, so you must do everything in yours to become the ultimate sentry. Your mission requires it.”
“Maybe the people who try to rob my house will be regular thieves...or maybe I won't be robbed at all.” Todd replied.
The man in the tub gritted his teeth at Todd, “What the fuck was that? Was that optimism?”
Todd laughed nervously and said, “It beats pessimism, right?”
“I don't like you.” replied the man in the tub.
Todd quickly said, “You don't know me.”
The man replied, “I know you well enough. Now call your boss and demand the day off. Then get me some Jack Daniels.”
“I think you've had enough to drink.” Todd said nervously in response.
“Hey genius, do you see where the alcohol is? In my stomach? No, it's in the tub.” said the man in the tub fiercely, “Now go get me some motherfucking Jack Daniels.”
Todd grinned, “Why don't you just drink the beer in the tub? Shame to let good beer go to waste.”
The man in the tub took on a solemn expression and said, “There's piss in that beer. Plus a naked man has been laying in it for an indeterminate amount of time.”
“You peed in there? That's gross.” said Todd angrily.
The man in the tub nodded, “Yeah, it is, to drink it. That's why you're going to go get me that Jack Daniels.”
Todd looked nervous, “Look, I'd love to have a drink with you, but I don't even know you.”
“My name is Torstein, and you're going to go get me some Jack Daniels right now or I'm going to wrap you in metal chains and then sell you into involuntary servitude.” replied Torstein.
Todd extended his hand and said, “I'm Todd Smith.”
“I'll bet your mother is an unimaginative tramp.” retorted Torstein.
Todd withdrew his hand and frowned, “My mother is dead.”
“Yeah, well, she's rotting in hell. Because she gave birth to you.” replied Torstein, “And then again for this one time when you were two. When she didn't chop you up into little pieces and throw you into the garbage disposal.” Todd looked mortified, and Torstein added, “Your father's in hell, too.”
Todd scratched the back of his head, “My father is still alive, actually.”
“When he dies, he's going to go to hell.” said Torstein, “Because there was this one time, when you were sixteen. He didn't buy you a car for your birthday and tell you to drive into the forest to kill an animal with one bullet. Then proceed to use a remote detonator to blow up your car with hidden explosives during the trip.”
Todd had a confused look on his face and said, “How did you know my father didn't buy me a car for my sixteenth birthday?”
Torstein shrugged, “I guess I can smell his horrid, rotten genes oozing their gases into the air from within the confines of your diseased DNA.” Torstein and Todd enjoyed a moment of awkward silence before Torstein asked, “Are you going to get me that Jack Daniels now?”
“Gee, Tortlestein...” Todd started, “I'd love to, but I still don't know you well enough to share a drink with you.”
“You don't have to share it with me.” said Torstein, “You could just give it to me and leave. That would be my preference, to be honest, because you're a smelly vaginal cavity which might even being oozing blood.”
Todd replied, “See, the thing is, you're kind of standing naked in my bathtub, so I can't leave you alone in my house.”
“Hey Todd, learn to form a coherent sentence, ok?” replied Torstein sarcastically, “Was your English teacher a five hundred pound walrus with epilepsy? Learn how form a logical sentence. Learn how to communicate. And while you're at it, why don't you grow a dick and some balls then tell me to get out of your house?”
Todd stood stunned for a moment before saying quietly, “Could you please get out of my house?”
“Go somewhere and die.” Torstein replied, “You're practically doing it right now by continuing to breathe and thus ensuring the prolongment of your passive, worthless existence on this planet which one could scarcely call being 'alive'.”
“I take exception to those remarks.” Todd said.
Torstein squinted his eyes and then said mockingly, “'I take exception to those remarks.' Does this look like a session of parliament?” He paused, “You're not going to go get me that Jack Daniels, are you?”
Todd shook his head and said, “No, because I don't know you and you're a meanie pants.”
Torstein sighed, “If I play along with your dumbass little game, will you give me the Jack Daniels?”
Todd looked confused, “What game?”
“Your, 'I'm a queer and I need to know someone to drink with them game.' Let me ask you something: how in the hell do you meet new people without drinking with them? Do you fuck women? Or men? I mean, do you fuck anything?” Todd looked offended at this question. Torstein rolled his eyes, “Fine, just ignore that comment. If you get to know me better, will you drink Jack Daniels with me?”
“Sure.” Todd replied uneasily.
Torstein said nothing for a while and then asked, “Do I look like a social person to you?”
Todd answered, “No.”
“Then ask me some fucking questions so we can socialize and I can get my whiskey.” Torstein replied, “And while you're at it, get some electrodes to attach to my body so you can electrocute me to get me to talk. It will make it more fun for me by making it permissible for me to break the toilet into pieces with your face.”
Todd stood in silence, recoiling from Torstein's words before asking, “So what do you do for a living?”
“I kick people's asses.” Torstein proudly proclaimed.
Todd nodded, “I always respect a member of our armed forces.”
“Did I say I was a soldier? Do I look like government property to you? Do I look like someone else's property to you?” replied Torstein, “No, I run around town all day beating the fuck out of people. Then I take their valuables as my compensation for my hard work. Sometimes people don't have to pay me, sometimes, I just kick their asses for free. That's what happened the entire week after my brother was slain. Occasionally, I got out and set shit on fire just for the hell of it. I ride around in my boat attacking other's vessels and looting their goods very often as well, almost daily. Because I'm a pirate. Sometimes, I also hijack airplanes.”
“So you're a terrorist?” asked Todd, slowly.
“No, a terrorist is someone who commits act of violence to instill fear and disillusionment in a population. I'm just a dick. Professionally.” Torstein explained, “Besides, I don't crash the airplanes. I just eat their peanuts and drink their beer. Then I fly the planes around for a little bit. After that, I steal some shit and parachute out.” Todd took some time to absorb this information before he was cut short by Torstein saying, “You had better ask me some questions, boy.”
Todd nervously searched for his next question before asking, “Do you have a wife and kids?”
“You forgot to ask me my favorite color.” Torstein retorted, “It's jet black. As for a wife, hell no. All women are bitches. Intent on either killing you, draining your life away, stealing your shit, making you into a pussy, or doing all of those things. I had a wife once. Tied her to an anchor and threw her into the ocean after she killed seven members of my crew and took off with my boat and one hundred thousand dollars worth of loot.”
Todd put his arm on Torstein's shoulder, “I'm sorry you're cynical because someone hurt you.”
“I'm not, and I didn't ask for your god damn sympathy. Do I look like a teenaged girl, a member of an alternative rock band, a poet, a puppy, a child, or Tom Geithner? I don't think so, I don't need your god damn sympathy.” spat Torstein, “My pain has turned me into the cold, merciless uranium killing machine I am today.” Torstein began to scratch his behind and said, “Now, as for kids, I had one that I know of. A son, but one day I got tired of feeding him so I stopped by a tropical island and chucked him into a volcano.”
Todd began to speak nervously, “Well, it's one sided if you just talk about you, we can't get to know each other that way.”
“I don't want to know you.” replied Torstein.
Todd laughed, “But you do want that Jack Daniels. I work at a firm, in management.”
“You strike me as a middle manager.” said Torstein.
“I uh...” Todd began, “I haven't worked my way to the top just yet.”
“Take your euphemisms, throw them into a blender and then pour them onto a cripple to heal him, you whore.” said Torstein. Torstein continued to scratch his ass.
“Could you stop that?” Todd asked.
“The verbal berating? Or the ass scratching?” Torstein politely yet sternly asked, “Because only one of those is possible.”
Todd gave a fake smile, “I'll take whichever one of those is the possible one.” Torstein promptly stopped scratching his ass. Todd smiled again and started to speak, “My favorite color is electric violet...” Torstein ignored Todd and instead began to scratch his testicles and scrotum. Todd gave him a weak angry look.
“What? They itch.” Torstein replied innocently.
Todd continued through his discomfort, “I have a wife and six children...”
“Holy Sherry Giglio, aunt of Mary mother of Christ!” Torstein exclaimed, “Someone actually had sex with you!”
Todd replied, “My wife and I have enjoyed a very majestic and beautiful twenty five years together. Twenty five years of trust and mutual respect which has spawned six wonderful children with bright futures.”
“I highly doubt anything that came from you is beautiful.” said Torstein, “That includes all those gay poems you likely write, and those fruity paintings I suspect you paint.”
Todd sighed, “Look, my psychologist said it's good for me to have an outlet.”
“That makes you about as worthwhile as a fucking toaster.” said Torstein, “Give you an outlet and you're fine. I'm not denying that. I'm just saying you aren't good at art.”
“Most people aren't.” said Todd.
Torstein nodded, “Yeah, and your kids aren't a work of art either. I'll bet they're ugly.”
“No they're not.” Todd pulled out his wallet and showed Torstein a picture, “See, that's my sixteen year old daughter.”
“That's the woman I had sex with last night.” replied Torstein.
“That's just awful.” said Todd is pure sorrow.
“I know, I probably have an STD now. Because her father, you, Todd Smith is undeniably the source of all known STDs.” replied Torstein before adding, “Have you told your wife?”
Todd put his hands on his hips, “You know, I have had it with you and your negativity. It's like Obama says, the cynics are screwing up America. We need to remember that we're a great and noble people. We put a man on the moon, and built the Statue of Liberty. Plus, we invented Democracy.”
“If you were a race. Hitler would have been elected man of the 20th century, because no one would have gone to war to stop him from annihilating your ass. Plus he would have been filthy rich, because of all the money people would have paid to him for getting rid of you. Hitler would have turned to the Jews and FDR and welcomed them as equals, knowing they weren't as inferior as you were.” said Torstein, “You could have prevented a genocide, but you were just too damn passive.” Todd stood once again in stunned silence and Torstein continued, “If you were a race, slavery would still continue to this day. Just because people would like to see your ass get beaten on a daily basis. If you were a race, you would have built the pyramids...”
“Um...actually...” Todd meekly interrupted, “They now believe that the pyramids were built by paid workers.”
“If you were a race, the Egyptians would have saved boatloads of money by using slave labor instead of paid workers. Then Egypt would have become an economic superpower which would have lasted well into this century. And if the Middle East had it's own economic superpower, 9/11 would have never happened. You caused 9/11, you asshole.”
Todd averted Torstein's gaze and quietly said, “That's not really fair.”
Torstein snorted, “You're a Christian, aren't you?”
“Y-yes.” Todd stuttered.
“I knew it, you worthless sack of shit.” replied Torstein, “You know what? One day Jesus looked into the future and saw what you did to his religion, you personally, the majority of his other followers, and the church. In despair, he said, 'Crucify me.' The Romans thought he was serious. You killed Jesus, you cocksucker. Jesus was a nice guy. And he was really cool. But you fucking killed him.” Todd started to speak but Torstein continued, “You may as well have killed Jesus. With all the stupid fucking bullshit you've done with his teachings. With all the acts of violence you have used it to justify. With the horrid institution you have built around it. With all the little twists and revisions you have made to it. You may as well have.” Torstein paused, “You have conservative values. Did you grow up in the Midwest?”
“Yes.” Todd choked.
Torstein continued, “Anyone in your family work on a farm?”
“Yes.” Todd replied fearfully.
“And upon seeing the crops your forefathers grew, little children in Africa refused to eat them, and that's why we have world hunger, you rat bastard. You are the source of all crime and poverty, and of all things wicked in this world.” spoke Torstein with vigor, “Seeing the poison oozing out of your mouths and rolling down the hills of this country, how could they not? Seeing the poor condition of health in our country. You sit on your pedestal and look down on me. You make judgments about me. You act like I'm the bad guy. Because I hurt people and I steal things. Yet you can never understand what it was like for me to grow up fatherless and hungry in the cesspool of the decadent waste your social class hurled onto mine. I might occasionally set buildings on fire, but at least I refuse to take part in a system where to succeed you have to be willing to risk and sacrifice everything in your life, and then be willing to do the same to millions of other lives. I might steal from others, but at least I don't generate wealth for a few privileged murderers and thugs. And you know they're murderers and thugs. Even if you try to deny it. Somewhere in your heart, you know it. You know every corporate leader, every politician you endorse is a crook and a murderer. You might have higher ideals than me, but you don't work to apply them in the world. You aren't trying to be your brother's keeper. To take care of your neighbors. To feed the hungry. You passively accept the world as it is. What good is an idea without action to support it? You can't even stand up if it is for yourself. Because all your ideals are really just a way to defend yourself, and your family, and your country. All of them merely extensions of yourself.
“You don't care who gets bombed for your oil. Or who has to go without food or health care so you don't have to pay a little extra. You look down on me for stealing, but that's only because all you ever think about is money. Send ten dollars of it a month and a man on TV will stop nagging you. The issue he speaks of so passionately with sad music disappears from your sight. Like an infant, you have no idea of the concept of object permanence. If a problem is not presented to you on a screen, it ceases to exist. How is that less selfish than what I do? I have my alcohol, you have your television and your pills and your therapists. You have a strainer, your mass media to remove all negativity from your world. You know it's unreliable, and you yet you still accept it, passively. Despite your moral superiority, you knowingly endorse a broken system rigged to rob from the lower class and give to the super rich. I don't expect you to understand why I do what I do. Or to think my actions are just. I know I'm doing wrong. But I want you to ask yourself, which of us is introducing the greater amount of sin into the world? The aggressive, cruel, godless criminal, or the passive, bubbling, mindless laborer? Your type likes to look for what we all have in common. I'll tell you what we have in common. We are both men, who in spite of our neurotic defense mechanisms, have given up on our world. And on our species. We have chosen to accept that our race is inherently cruel. That there are those among us who must go hungry, who must starve. That there must be war and corruption. That the system has to be broken. We have both accepted this fact, and taken our own separate roads to cope with this perceived reality.”
There as a long uncomfortable pause between the two men and then Torstein asked, “So...are we going to get me that Jack Daniels?”
“I don't even have Jack Daniels in the house.” replied Todd.
“Congratulations Sir Isaac Newton, you have just discovered a way to waste several minutes and the precious time of two individuals.” retorted Torstein, “You're even more stupid than you appear at first glance. Why the fuck would you do that?”
“I thought I could buy some time to formulate a plan to get you out of the house.” said Todd, “But I got caught up in the conversation and forgot.”
Torstein sighed, “God damn it, you really are the source of all that is evil in the world.” Torstein paused to think and then said, “Ok, I'm going to need your car, some money, and clothes.”
Todd smiled and pointed at Torstein, “Oh, I get it. This is a test to see if I listened to your lecture. I'm supposed to stand up to you and assert myself to show I'm going to start being less passive.”
“No.” was Torstein's response just before he punched Todd in the gut. Todd dropped with one blow, but Torstein continued to batter him with blows. Torstein stopped after nearly two consecutive minutes of pummeling and said, “I guess I didn't really have to do that, but you probably deserved it. Consider it repayment for the fact that your daughter likely gave me Gonorrhea.” Upon saying this, Torstein left the room to find Todd's car keys, some money, and some clothing. Then he went off on his way.
Some time later Todd's attractive wife dressed in gothic attire entered the bathroom and asked, “What happened?”
“Oh my god, it was awful.” Todd began, “There was this naked guy in the bathtub, and he had a beard and he was hairy, and he scratched his ass and balls, and the bathtub was full of beer and ice and I had no idea how he got there and he didn't either and he was mean and he made me feel bad about being an American, and after Bush left they promised us that wouldn't happen, and he kicked my ass and stole our stuff.”
“Did he make a man out of you?” Todd's wife asked.
“No.” Todd replied in confusion.
Todd's wife sighed and then said, “That's too bad, because that was you're last chance. Now I'm going to have to drain your life, kill you, and then steal all of your possessions.”
“Oh god.” Todd exclaimed, “All women really are evil bitches intent on draining men's life energy away.”
“No, all women aren't evil bitches intent on draining men's life away.” Todd's wife said with indignation, “But I am.” Todd's wife transformed into a succubus and then shot him with laser eyes, turning him into a pink moldy pile of goo. Then she took out a straw and drank his remains.
End
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