Thursday, November 19, 2009

Michael Steele is Whiter Than Mr. Rogers

By Redphantom Xenpsychous

I'm going to start out this rant with a little author's note with me speaking as myself rather than my comedic alter ego. Mostly, I just want say: I was very hesitant to sit down and write this. I've had this idea in my head for almost a month, I came up with the entire rant, I even did research on it. I've actually wound up doing more research on this than any other rant I've done. And most issues of Geek Force. Ultimately though, I decided that I would not post it onto Facebook or my website. Just because I could see where I might not have been clear in the point I was trying to make, and I try not to post anything publicly unless I think it will be understood, and I won't post it if I feel it promotes negativity. I don't want my comedy inspiring negative feelings. I like to shock people, I like to make them a little uncomfortable, I love it when people go out of their way not to laugh because it's too terrible, but, I don't want to inspire hopelessness or bigotry or anything like that. I felt like I'm not really trying to, or being racist here, but, it might be taken that way. So, I put this rant into the vault of my jokes reserved for only my personal friends. I had some of them over to work on some animation and whatnot and at dinner, I wound up doing a large part of this rant. The last part of it. Well, it killed. It was really funny. I explained to them why I wouldn't post it, and they told me that they didn't think it would be taken as racist and encouraged me to go ahead and type it up. So, here I go, I've gone and written it out. Oh yes, and as another note: I had a Michael Jackson joke thrown in here. It seemed awkward with his sudden death a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to tweak it a bit. It's still in there, but I made it much less awkward.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of Republicans. Not just because they are a crazy and radical political party, but because they fail as satirists. Yeah, that's right, I'm looking at you Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh isn't funny, and he fails as a satirist. Mighty Archilochus shall smite him. The trouble is, all these right wingers are making Obama out to be some sort of Socialist Antichrist. Can't a president just be a Jimmy Carter anymore? You know, real bright, a lot of big ideas, but not get much done? Can't that be Obama? Why is it that Obama can either be a huge savior or an Antichrist? There's no middle ground. Obama is a Socialist. Wrong. His policies have a few vague elements of Socialism, so what? They have elections in Cuba, are you going to call them a Democracy? Meanwhile, as the Republicans are stuck in the third grade, spewing bad names at Obama from time out, all the real mistakes the man makes go unnoticed. Like the fact that Obama keeps defending wiretapping. The Bush wiretaps. Obama revived the military commissions system. He is planning on reclaiming the right to detain prisoners indefinitely without trial. He fucked up his health care plans. Obama bowed to pressure on the climate bill. The climate bill is a joke. Obama won't stand up to the cutthroat corporate bastards he was elected to protect us from. This guy is making all kinds of mistakes. Republicans are stuck calling him names. They won't even change their policies. They won't listen to the mainstream public.

They're stuck just doing things to try and give the appearance of being progressive. Like sticking a black guy as the head of the Republican National Committee. Michael Steele. It's too bad that he's whiter than Mr. Rogers, but, he looks black, so as soon as Barack Obama was elected, they made him the RNC chairman. Back in 2006, they didn't want him. He tried to run, but he was quickly dismissed and Mel Martinez got the position instead. Then Barack Obama got elected, and he got the job. The sad thing is that apparently someone told Michael Steele that he's actually black because now he's launched his “Off the Hook” campaign, which aims to use hipster slang to capture America's urban youth. Except when Steele uses hipster slang, he just looks like an old white man trying to look cool. He called the stimulus package “a bunch of bling bling.” Which would work, except bling bling is something cool. Never call the stimulus package something cool.

The stimulus package is just “bling bling”. That's what an old white guy says when he wants to be cool. Steele is so white. And the sad thing is, deep down, he knows that. He's so white that he was at a debate once, and saw an oreo at his feet, and his first thought was that it was a racial insult. This actually happened. He thought, “This is racist.” not, “Damn these illegal immigrants should clean this place better, or they should go back to their country.” or “Damn kids, leaving their oreos on the ground.” No, his first thought was, “That's racist. They're saying I'm white on the inside and black on the outside.” Well, Mr. Steele, I don't know if the oreo was really meant to be an insult or not. But I do know this: if I ever meet you in person, it's going to be a racist insult when I throw oreos at your feet. You are white. Want proof? Do you know who sees something like that and assumes it's a racist insult? Not people from the ghetto. It's white liberal college kids. Yes, not only do you think like white people, and young people, you also think like a liberal. You don't represent the views of blacks. You have an outward appearance. You pass yourself off like you're ushering in a new day for your party. Like you're going to bring change and progressive thought. But, really, you're just an stubborn old white guy. You're the perfect representative of the Republican party.

The thing that bothers me about Steele is that he doesn't even seem to be offering the Republican party any kind of real leadership. He said he would end the name calling. When is he planning on doing that? I do have to give him credit though, because he stopped the RNC from passing a resolution re-branding the Democrats as the Democrat Socialist Party. Instead, the RNC just passed a resolution stating that, “Resolved, that we the members of the Republican National Committee recognize that the Democratic Party is dedicated to restructuring American society along socialist ideals” So, instead of calling the Democrats Socialists, you just said that they want to live in a Socialist country. That's bold Michael, really bold. Steele is also supposedly a moderate Republican. He even opposes a federal gay marriage amendment. Well, he used to. He dropped that belief when he became the RNC chairman. He said he would go along with his party. “Ultimately a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus.” Right? That's what Martin Luther King Jr. said, and if Michael Steele were actually black, he would know that. Michael Steele is an ineffective leader and every time he opens his mouth, a kitten shoots MLK with a firehose. MLK would kill one, but he's into nonviolence, so they shoot him with a firehose instead. Michael Steele had better stop talking before they scientifically engineer dogs that get along with cats, or else those kittens are going to start sicking hounds on MLK. Then Malcolm X will have to step in and be his body guard.

One of my big problems with Michael Steele is that he isn't even qualified for his job. At least Colin Powell was qualified. No one is going to say Colin Powell doesn't deserve to be a general. Michael Steele, he doesn't need to be the head of the Republican party. He did ok at a state level, but he doesn't need to be the RNC chairman, mainly because of quotes like this one, "We are cooling. We are not warming. The warming you see out there, the supposed warming, and I use my fingers as quotation marks, is part of the cooling process. Greenland, which is covered in ice, it was once called Greenland for a reason, right?" Yes, Mr. Steele, it was called Greenland because vikings wanted to lead people away from Iceland under the pretense that Greenland was nice and Iceland was shitty. Not unlike when a political party makes a black man to look progressive but really, they just promote all the same old bullshit. “It was once called Greenland for a reason, right?” What is that? You can't even debate that. I “believe” that global warming exists. I could have a reasonable debate with another human being about global warming. I would have to have my facts straight, I'd have to be on my toes, or I could lose that debate. But, you can't debate that Greenland quote. It's just too stupid. About the only response I can think of would be to use his same tactic back on him, “You know, scientists prefer to call it climate change instead of global warming for a reason, right?” That's the proper way to use that tactic, because of you looked it up, it actually checks out.

Michael Steele is not qualified to be the head of the RNC, he's just there because they need a black man to one up Obama. He even said after being placed in that position that he never imagined himself as head of the RNC. Who'd of thunk it? He's utterly fake, just like the party he leads. He looks black, but inside, he's white, just like an oreo. (Thanks for giving me something to call you, Mr. Steele.) Michael Steele is so white that if you get his blood on you, it would turn you white. In fact, there was this one time, Michael Steele bled on Michael Jackson, but he had already turned white, so he just had a heart attack and died.

Colin Powell is so white that he had to endorse Barack Obama for president just so he wouldn't look racist.

Condoleezza Rice is so white that she's just so boring I can't think of anything to write here. I would look something up, but she's so white that it would be just like I was in a history class, and I didn't get out of school so that I could just wind up back in history class.

Do you think this is racist? Wrong. I'm going to do some white people now.

Rush Limbaugh is so white that he got to be the head of the Republican party even though he wasn't elected. Then Michael Steele had to apologize to him. Steele was confused at first, and then someone explained to him the Limbaugh still sees him as a black man, because Rush Limbaugh makes judgments based solely on skin color.

Dick Cheney is so white that he has to stay in an undisclosed location during the daytime so that he doesn't melt.

Ronald Reagan was so white that his policies fucked over minorities and crashed the economy, and then they made a statue of him.

Bill Clinton is so black that he got in trouble for something white presidents have been doing for years. Getting tail in the white house. Kennedy had pool parties with tons of woman and banged Monroe, but a brother tries to get himself a blow job and the white people be tripping.

America is so white that after we won a war with Great Britain, we stole their culture and adopted a watered down, half assed version of it. America is so white, we did to white people what white people normally do to colored people. We oppress other whites in addition to blacks. Hey, a good Republic thrives on a healthy middle class, right? I'm sure you might be thinking that America isn't so white anymore now that we have Barack Obama as president, right? Guess again. America just did what we always do when a rich white guy commits a crime, we replaced him with a black man. Barack Obama.

Speaking of Obama, do you know what the fun thing about Obama is, kids? He's a mulatto.

Barack Obama is so white that he is basically waging an undeclared war against Pakistan.

Barack Obama is so black that he ratcheted down the dress code in the oval office.

Barack Obama is so white that he avoided the issue of race like a plague until he was already elected.

Barack Obama is so black that he had all these big ideals and he was going to change the world, then he just kind of forgot about it. He'll get around to it, maybe in forty years.

And lastly...

Redphantom Xenpsychous is so white, he probably shouldn't be making these jokes, but he is anyway, because he's a prick.

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