Thursday, November 19, 2009

Michael Steele is Whiter Than Mr. Rogers

By Redphantom Xenpsychous

I'm going to start out this rant with a little author's note with me speaking as myself rather than my comedic alter ego. Mostly, I just want say: I was very hesitant to sit down and write this. I've had this idea in my head for almost a month, I came up with the entire rant, I even did research on it. I've actually wound up doing more research on this than any other rant I've done. And most issues of Geek Force. Ultimately though, I decided that I would not post it onto Facebook or my website. Just because I could see where I might not have been clear in the point I was trying to make, and I try not to post anything publicly unless I think it will be understood, and I won't post it if I feel it promotes negativity. I don't want my comedy inspiring negative feelings. I like to shock people, I like to make them a little uncomfortable, I love it when people go out of their way not to laugh because it's too terrible, but, I don't want to inspire hopelessness or bigotry or anything like that. I felt like I'm not really trying to, or being racist here, but, it might be taken that way. So, I put this rant into the vault of my jokes reserved for only my personal friends. I had some of them over to work on some animation and whatnot and at dinner, I wound up doing a large part of this rant. The last part of it. Well, it killed. It was really funny. I explained to them why I wouldn't post it, and they told me that they didn't think it would be taken as racist and encouraged me to go ahead and type it up. So, here I go, I've gone and written it out. Oh yes, and as another note: I had a Michael Jackson joke thrown in here. It seemed awkward with his sudden death a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to tweak it a bit. It's still in there, but I made it much less awkward.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of Republicans. Not just because they are a crazy and radical political party, but because they fail as satirists. Yeah, that's right, I'm looking at you Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh isn't funny, and he fails as a satirist. Mighty Archilochus shall smite him. The trouble is, all these right wingers are making Obama out to be some sort of Socialist Antichrist. Can't a president just be a Jimmy Carter anymore? You know, real bright, a lot of big ideas, but not get much done? Can't that be Obama? Why is it that Obama can either be a huge savior or an Antichrist? There's no middle ground. Obama is a Socialist. Wrong. His policies have a few vague elements of Socialism, so what? They have elections in Cuba, are you going to call them a Democracy? Meanwhile, as the Republicans are stuck in the third grade, spewing bad names at Obama from time out, all the real mistakes the man makes go unnoticed. Like the fact that Obama keeps defending wiretapping. The Bush wiretaps. Obama revived the military commissions system. He is planning on reclaiming the right to detain prisoners indefinitely without trial. He fucked up his health care plans. Obama bowed to pressure on the climate bill. The climate bill is a joke. Obama won't stand up to the cutthroat corporate bastards he was elected to protect us from. This guy is making all kinds of mistakes. Republicans are stuck calling him names. They won't even change their policies. They won't listen to the mainstream public.

They're stuck just doing things to try and give the appearance of being progressive. Like sticking a black guy as the head of the Republican National Committee. Michael Steele. It's too bad that he's whiter than Mr. Rogers, but, he looks black, so as soon as Barack Obama was elected, they made him the RNC chairman. Back in 2006, they didn't want him. He tried to run, but he was quickly dismissed and Mel Martinez got the position instead. Then Barack Obama got elected, and he got the job. The sad thing is that apparently someone told Michael Steele that he's actually black because now he's launched his “Off the Hook” campaign, which aims to use hipster slang to capture America's urban youth. Except when Steele uses hipster slang, he just looks like an old white man trying to look cool. He called the stimulus package “a bunch of bling bling.” Which would work, except bling bling is something cool. Never call the stimulus package something cool.

The stimulus package is just “bling bling”. That's what an old white guy says when he wants to be cool. Steele is so white. And the sad thing is, deep down, he knows that. He's so white that he was at a debate once, and saw an oreo at his feet, and his first thought was that it was a racial insult. This actually happened. He thought, “This is racist.” not, “Damn these illegal immigrants should clean this place better, or they should go back to their country.” or “Damn kids, leaving their oreos on the ground.” No, his first thought was, “That's racist. They're saying I'm white on the inside and black on the outside.” Well, Mr. Steele, I don't know if the oreo was really meant to be an insult or not. But I do know this: if I ever meet you in person, it's going to be a racist insult when I throw oreos at your feet. You are white. Want proof? Do you know who sees something like that and assumes it's a racist insult? Not people from the ghetto. It's white liberal college kids. Yes, not only do you think like white people, and young people, you also think like a liberal. You don't represent the views of blacks. You have an outward appearance. You pass yourself off like you're ushering in a new day for your party. Like you're going to bring change and progressive thought. But, really, you're just an stubborn old white guy. You're the perfect representative of the Republican party.

The thing that bothers me about Steele is that he doesn't even seem to be offering the Republican party any kind of real leadership. He said he would end the name calling. When is he planning on doing that? I do have to give him credit though, because he stopped the RNC from passing a resolution re-branding the Democrats as the Democrat Socialist Party. Instead, the RNC just passed a resolution stating that, “Resolved, that we the members of the Republican National Committee recognize that the Democratic Party is dedicated to restructuring American society along socialist ideals” So, instead of calling the Democrats Socialists, you just said that they want to live in a Socialist country. That's bold Michael, really bold. Steele is also supposedly a moderate Republican. He even opposes a federal gay marriage amendment. Well, he used to. He dropped that belief when he became the RNC chairman. He said he would go along with his party. “Ultimately a genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus, but a molder of consensus.” Right? That's what Martin Luther King Jr. said, and if Michael Steele were actually black, he would know that. Michael Steele is an ineffective leader and every time he opens his mouth, a kitten shoots MLK with a firehose. MLK would kill one, but he's into nonviolence, so they shoot him with a firehose instead. Michael Steele had better stop talking before they scientifically engineer dogs that get along with cats, or else those kittens are going to start sicking hounds on MLK. Then Malcolm X will have to step in and be his body guard.

One of my big problems with Michael Steele is that he isn't even qualified for his job. At least Colin Powell was qualified. No one is going to say Colin Powell doesn't deserve to be a general. Michael Steele, he doesn't need to be the head of the Republican party. He did ok at a state level, but he doesn't need to be the RNC chairman, mainly because of quotes like this one, "We are cooling. We are not warming. The warming you see out there, the supposed warming, and I use my fingers as quotation marks, is part of the cooling process. Greenland, which is covered in ice, it was once called Greenland for a reason, right?" Yes, Mr. Steele, it was called Greenland because vikings wanted to lead people away from Iceland under the pretense that Greenland was nice and Iceland was shitty. Not unlike when a political party makes a black man to look progressive but really, they just promote all the same old bullshit. “It was once called Greenland for a reason, right?” What is that? You can't even debate that. I “believe” that global warming exists. I could have a reasonable debate with another human being about global warming. I would have to have my facts straight, I'd have to be on my toes, or I could lose that debate. But, you can't debate that Greenland quote. It's just too stupid. About the only response I can think of would be to use his same tactic back on him, “You know, scientists prefer to call it climate change instead of global warming for a reason, right?” That's the proper way to use that tactic, because of you looked it up, it actually checks out.

Michael Steele is not qualified to be the head of the RNC, he's just there because they need a black man to one up Obama. He even said after being placed in that position that he never imagined himself as head of the RNC. Who'd of thunk it? He's utterly fake, just like the party he leads. He looks black, but inside, he's white, just like an oreo. (Thanks for giving me something to call you, Mr. Steele.) Michael Steele is so white that if you get his blood on you, it would turn you white. In fact, there was this one time, Michael Steele bled on Michael Jackson, but he had already turned white, so he just had a heart attack and died.

Colin Powell is so white that he had to endorse Barack Obama for president just so he wouldn't look racist.

Condoleezza Rice is so white that she's just so boring I can't think of anything to write here. I would look something up, but she's so white that it would be just like I was in a history class, and I didn't get out of school so that I could just wind up back in history class.

Do you think this is racist? Wrong. I'm going to do some white people now.

Rush Limbaugh is so white that he got to be the head of the Republican party even though he wasn't elected. Then Michael Steele had to apologize to him. Steele was confused at first, and then someone explained to him the Limbaugh still sees him as a black man, because Rush Limbaugh makes judgments based solely on skin color.

Dick Cheney is so white that he has to stay in an undisclosed location during the daytime so that he doesn't melt.

Ronald Reagan was so white that his policies fucked over minorities and crashed the economy, and then they made a statue of him.

Bill Clinton is so black that he got in trouble for something white presidents have been doing for years. Getting tail in the white house. Kennedy had pool parties with tons of woman and banged Monroe, but a brother tries to get himself a blow job and the white people be tripping.

America is so white that after we won a war with Great Britain, we stole their culture and adopted a watered down, half assed version of it. America is so white, we did to white people what white people normally do to colored people. We oppress other whites in addition to blacks. Hey, a good Republic thrives on a healthy middle class, right? I'm sure you might be thinking that America isn't so white anymore now that we have Barack Obama as president, right? Guess again. America just did what we always do when a rich white guy commits a crime, we replaced him with a black man. Barack Obama.

Speaking of Obama, do you know what the fun thing about Obama is, kids? He's a mulatto.

Barack Obama is so white that he is basically waging an undeclared war against Pakistan.

Barack Obama is so black that he ratcheted down the dress code in the oval office.

Barack Obama is so white that he avoided the issue of race like a plague until he was already elected.

Barack Obama is so black that he had all these big ideals and he was going to change the world, then he just kind of forgot about it. He'll get around to it, maybe in forty years.

And lastly...

Redphantom Xenpsychous is so white, he probably shouldn't be making these jokes, but he is anyway, because he's a prick.

My Top Ten Favorite Romance Movies

By Redphantom Xenpsychous

(This list may contain spoilers to the movies listed.)

This is a list of my top ten favorite romance movies. You might be wondering what makes me qualified to compile such a list. Absolutely nothing. Though, I did write this list while sitting in an leather armchair next to a fireplace while drinking tea, wearing a monocle, and smoking tobacco out of a pipe, that makes this list law.

Taken: Taken, a French film released in 2008 comes in at number 10. What makes it a good romance film? It's French. It's also a classic tale about this man who goes to great lengths to retrieve his girlfriend from her captors. I think the man's pet name for his girlfriend is “daughter”, but that's just because Liam Neeson is into that sort of thing.

The Diary Of Anne Frank: Coming in at number nine is a really good movie that not enough people have seen. It's a cult film, but it's great, it's so good that they should make the screenplay required reading in school. It is a story about a teenage Jewish girl in Nazi Germany during the Holocaust. Now, I know what you're thinking, “Oh, this story is probably about Anne Frank falling in love with a Nazi officer who doesn't realize that she's Jewish, and her father disapproves, because the boy is a Nazi. Then, the Nazi officer realizes Frank is a Jew and suddenly he questions his beliefs and decides to go against his Nazi superiors. Fighting off the super villain Uber Hitler in an epic battle to free Anne Frank and the Jews, but in the end, he is not strong enough, so Frank's father sacrifices his life to defeat Hitler giving Anne Frank and the Nazi Officer his blessing beforehand. Then Anne Frank and the Nazi live happily ever after.” right? Is that what you thought? Well, you were wrong. Surprisingly, in this story, the Nazis actually kill the Jews, and yet, in spite of that, Anne Frank still loves humanity. She loves them unconditionally, and that is what makes this movie a perfect romance film.

Apocalypse Now: Number eight is a movie about two lovers torn apart by the Vietnam War. So, one of them goes down a river in a boat to find the other. Unfortunately, when he gets there, he finds his lover has gone insane, because love does that. So, the protagonist kills his lover out of mercy.

Deliverance: This movie is one not many people get. People think of this movie and all they think of is the rape scene and they say, “How can this be a romance movie.”, but they forget what this movie is really about: four guys going canoing down a river love. This movie is actually a sophisticated exploration of homosexuality in a time when homosexuality was strictly forbidden. That's why the homosexuality is not more explicit in the film. And the rape scene? That was included to show unhealthy man love and have it as a foil to the healthy man love that this film is really about. What more proof that this film is really about homosexual relations between men? One of the gay characters was raped by a hillbilly. The backwards ignorance source of bigotry towards the gay community.

Trainspotting: This movie shows that people can't just be romantically involved with other people, they can be romantically involved with drugs, too. That's right, people can love drugs, just ask my mother's second husband. This move also shows the consequences of love, namely shitting the bed, baby killing, and HIV.

The Exorcist: This movie is really just a reworking of a classic fairy tale. A “princess” in this case, “Regan McNeil” gets locked up by an “evil overlord”, in this case, “the demon” and must be rescued by a “knight” in this case, “Father Karras”.

Frankenstein: This movie is about a tortured soul, named Frankenstein's Monster, searching for true love. He's a loner because society rejects him, but eventually he finds what he is looking a farmer's young daughter. Tragically, this romance comes to an end when Frankenstein's Monster kills the young girl due to a misunderstanding. So, Frankenstein's Monster further withdraws from society and becomes a cold blooded killer. At the end of the film Frankenstein's Monster ends up in a windmill where the townsfolk set his ass on fire, because they come from a society not yet advanced enough to understand or accept the love between a hideous monster and little girl.

Dirty Dancing: I don't know why I put this movie on the list. I guess I just couldn't think of ten good romance movies, so I just stuck this one in here, despite the fact it isn't really a romance movie. Also, I remembered it because my mother tells this story about how when I was a small child, and she wanted to go do something else, she would pop this movie in and I would watch it and not get into trouble so she could go do something else...I'm sure that's just a story she made up to destroy my confidence. She does that.

The Passion of The Christ: Don't think that this movie is a romance film? Oh yeah? Then why did Mel Gibson, the writer/directer/producer of the film say of it, “This is a movie about love, hope, faith, and forgiveness...” See, ask Mel Gibson, it's a movie about love, the creepy kind of love. Mel Gibson's love for Jesus. Just think of Jesus like a celebrity, and Mel Gibson is like a crazy fan who wrote a story for his celebrity crush. Just think, when Gibson presents his movie to Jesus in heaven, a bunch of arch angels will drop his ass like a stone. The passion actually reminds of this story this one guy I know wrote for his ex girlfriend before she became his ex girlfriend. The story in question caused him to be shot with horse tranquilizer, thrown into a dog kennel, and then be arrested. After the incident in question, said friend of mine showed up at his now ex girlfriend's house and apologize. This resulted in me-him, being tasered. I said him. Anyway, after that my friend had a restraining order placed on him so he could not go and apologize to his ex girlfriend...for writing a story about how he was going to kill and eat her after delivering a story to her about killing and eating her. You would think she would understand that it was just a story, but she didn't...what a bitch.

Godzilla: For the number one romance movie on the list, I actually have a series of romance movies, because it's stupid, unnecessary, and excessive. Just like “love”. And by the series, I'm referring to the old Japanese movies, not the shitty American remake. These movies have a special place in my heart, because I was really into them when I was a child. Godzilla was the first thing I ever really geeked out over. Now, this is a complex story, spanning 28 movies. The beginning of the story is really revealed in movie 18, where it is shown that Godzilla saved the life of Japanese soldiers during a battle during WWII. Then, Godzilla gets nuked, just like Japan did, and that makes him into a mutated beast, just like it did to Japan. Godzilla goes to find a woman in Japan, because he knows that a Japanese mutant is the only person who would accept him. Unfortunately, the Japanese government mistakes him for a giant monster bent on destruction and shoots missiles at him and electrocutes him and shit. That causes him to go on a rampage. Godzilla is a classic example of what people are like when they are so hideous that other people scream and run away at the sight of them. The man just wanted to be loved, but he wasn't, so he was a prick for about eight movies. Then, in movie eight, Godzilla adopts a son, and at the end of the movie Godzilla hugs him, and then magically Godzilla becomes like a superhero for the next few movies. There's a lesson in this. After this hug, Godzilla basically becomes a good guy, battling “evil” monsters who just can't feel love. Like space monsters, and robots, and ancient monsters. Space monsters can't feel love because love was invented on Earth, and is thus reserved for Earth monsters and humans. Robots can't feel emotions. And, of course, ancient creatures were around before love was invented, so they just can't understand it. Everyone knows that love was invented by Jesus.(See number two.) Then at movie 16, the series was rebooted, and magically, Godzilla was a prick again, because movie 8 was erased. Further proof that these movies are romance movies: it has a movie with a giant rose monster, a moth based monster, and faeries that can fit in your pants. Just don't forget the main moral of these movies: if you hug someone, you can make them a superhero. So, you just remember that, the next time you see someone down, just give them a hug, it will make them a superhero.

The Great Cannabinoilis Pekoe

By Redphantom Xenpsychous

The sun was setting as I sat in a neon green bean bag chair in a room with hot pink walls. To my left was sitting a shrine dedicated to former president George W. Bush and to my right, there was a shrine under construction to the recently deceased Michael Jackson. On the wall, next to the window there was a big poster of Richard Nixon. At other places in the room, there were also posters of James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Grover Cleveland, Ulysses S. Grant, Herbert Hoover, Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. The sound that filled the air was a compilation of all Bush Jr.'s best speeches spliced with the music of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. The air I breathed in, was completely clean and sterile, the whole room was itself completely clean and sterile. All except for one corner where there was a pile of gay porn, dildos, chains, and other S&M equipment. As I sat in my lonely bean bag chair, staring out the window with a massive hunting knife in my hands I had to remind myself that contrary to every indication around me, I was not in hell.

The door to the room opened and a voice asked, “What are you doing in my room, Red?” I was disappointed that my roommate Terry had arrived home before my ever important work could be done.

Still, I graced him with an answer, “Have I ever told you what I think about Batman, Terry?”

Terry sighed, “Red, you said you were only going to be creepy twice a week...we signed a binding legal contract...” Terry paused for a moment and then added, “And you're never going to get any friends this way.”

Batman is a hero to me.” I said, still looking out the window.

Terry replied, “Well, everyone thinks Batman is a hero. He saves people...aand molests young boys...he fights bad guys...and partakes in reckless child endangerment...”

I stood up and walked towards the window before saying to Terry, “I think that the world would be a better place if there were a real Batman.” I paused for dramatic effect, “That's why, I'm going to have a young boys parents killed right in front of him tonight, on our front lawn.”

What?” replied Terry at once, “Red, are you high?”

Call me Lord Xenpsychous.” I whispered.

Ok...” Terry nervously said, “You have taken this prank way too far...” Terry walked up to me and turned to me to say something before looking out the window in horror. Then he said to me, “Red, there's actually a couple with a young child out there.”

I nodded, “Yes, and soon, that young child is going to see his parents murdered before his very eyes.”

Jesus Christ...” Terry said in horror, “How did you even get them to come here after the incident last Halloween?”

I smiled, “The promise of top notch jewelry for seventy five cents. Gives the thief something to steal.” Then I looked at Terry and said, “And I have since admitted that the witch burnings were in bad taste. I didn't know she was only fourteen when I told her that I would spare her life if she masturbated with a broomstick, and I didn't realize that nobody knew I was just joking. I just thought she was into splinters.”

Only you could...” Terry started before saying, “Is that homeless man carrying a submachine gun?”

I want this kid to be scared shitless.” I replied, staring at the homeless man walking up to the family of three as if he were drunk.

The homeless man pointed the submachine gun at the mother, “Give me your necklace.”

The woman was confused, “I don't have a...” the homeless man gunned her down before she could finish the sentence. Then he dropped the submachine gun and staggered forward, taking an entire bottle of whiskey out of his pocket and drinking all of it. The homeless man came face to face with the father, who stood motionless with a shocked expression. The homeless man promptly tackled the father and bit off half of his face. Then the homeless man took an arrowhead out of his pocket and used it to gauge out one of the father's eyes. The homeless man then dug the arrowhead into the man's stomach, using it to move the man's intestines into the cold pavement. The homeless man then turned to the boy, smiled, threw him the arrowhead, and staggered off towards the submachine gun. The homeless man picked it up and began to whistle as he walked away.

Terry quietly whispered, “Dear Jesus.”

I yelled, “Don't forget the bat!”

The homeless man stopped, turned around, mumbled something that sounded like the words, “Oh yeah.” and then took a dead bat from his pocket and threw it at the young boy's head before saying, “You just became Batman.” and then pumping the boy full of bullets with the submachine gun and running off screaming like maniac.

Terry again said, “Oh dear Jesus.”

I nodded my head, “Yeah, I didn't mean for that to happen.” I paused with a look of confusion on my face, “What's this?” I struggled to find the words I was looking for, “What's this I'm feeling?” I rubbed my chin and said, “It's like a torturing sense of guilt one feels for his actions...” Then I paused and said slowly, “This is new.” After this I sighed and said, “I think I actually belong in your room now, Terry.” I started to shake.

I stared out the window once again. In the street outside of my house, the father of the boy began to try and move. An old black man with an afro walked up to the dying white one, and said, “You don't look so good, friend.”

No.” coughed the dying white man, “I just witnessed my wife and son get murdered, and then my intestines were ripped out of my body and thrown onto the ground.”

The black man frowned, “I don't think it happened in that order. You need to stay in school son, that way you can remember recent traumatic events in the correct order they occurred. Then you can be an overpaid white robber baron.”

The dying white man looked up at the black one, “I just had my intestines ripped from my body...”

At least it looks just like the face of God.” the black man replied, “I know, I met him once when I was flying through the universe. He was chilling in a supernova and he said to me, 'Pekoe, get us some waffles, mashed potatoes, and chocolate syrup so that we may feast to celebrate this momentous occasion...Pluto is no longer a planet.'”

As Pekoe said this, the dying man inched closer to his wife, held her dead body in his arms and began to cry. Pekoe said, upon seeing this, “Don't do that son, it's unsanitary. She's dead. All sorts of diseases. Besides, necrophilia is wrong. You see, that sweet white pussy is never to be open again. It held it's out of business sale last week, ten orgasms for one dollar, and you missed it. Now the store's closed and if you hang around you'll just be a squatter, and no one likes a squatter.”

The dying man started weeping even harder, “They meant everything to me. I just want to die.”

Pekoe shook his head, “Come now, there's a lot left to live for. You could become a televangelist with the face of God hanging out your belly like that. Or maybe you could rent out the new space in your gut to the mushroom king. He sure would like that.” The dying man just kept crying. Pekoe continued, “Come on now, don't you think your wife would have wanted you to move on and find someone better?”

No.” the dying man said, “No sex for weeks if I even looked at other women...she said she would castrate me if I ever cheated on her...”

Pekoe smiled, “Now I think I'm staring to see what's going on here, that wise wizard in shabby robes has slain the mighty succubus queen with his magical wonder stick so that you can have your freedom. No doubt on the orders of the immortal president Abraham Lincoln. Your shackles have been forever removed, rise up and rejoice over your new found freedom. Frolic through the fields of the clitoris. Savor each plant before moving along, and spare none for your cruel former mistress. Remember that you are freed for eternity from her whippings, her long hours, and her unfair regulatory laws.”

The dying man continued to sob, “You're not helping me at all.”

Pekoe shook his head, “My, my, we seem to have a real bad case of the blues don't we? Well, well, I know just the fix. Do you know what to do when you're feeling blue?”

Die.” The man on the ground shrieked, “Just wallow in your own filth and die.”

Nah.” Pekoe said, shaking his head, “You just need to go on down the rabbit hole and drink the Mad Hatter's white tea.” Immediately after Pekoe said this, a giant white rabbit jumped out of a manhole nearby, grabbed the dying man, and then went back into the sewers with him. Then the sound of music and different brightly colored lights started coming from the sewer. Pekoe began to tap his foot and nod his head to the beat of the tune, “That is some fine electrified funky music.” Pekoe said.

After ten minutes, a golden glass elevator arose from the manhole. It was glowing various shades of psychedelic colors. The dying man, now completely healthy and sporting an afro and platform shoes, emerged from the elevator with a very attractive female version of the Mad Hatter and a young humanoid rabbit child.

Pekoe smiled, “And so, just as he did with Job, the good lord has rewarded your sufferings by repaying what he took from you ten fold. Giving you a brand new wife and a better child.”

The white man looked at Pekoe and said, “Yeah dude, you were totally right about the white tea, it completely hit the spot and made me feel great.” The white man walked off with the young rabbit child and the female Mad Hatter.

Pekoe nodded, “Yep, they say that the white tea was made by the good lord himself, and he drank it and declared, 'It is good.' Then he made the holy seminal fluid and began to throw it about the Earth. Making from it the mountains, seas, valleys, plains, cats, dogs, and other beasts of land and sea. When he awoke, he found Adam, and God declared, 'I have made you in my own image, but you are not my son.' and then he said, 'Give me your rib, honky.'”

Pekoe smiled again. The homeless man walked up to him. Pekoe said, “What's up, magic wizard man?”

The homeless man pointed his submachine gun at Pekoe and shouted, “Give me all your money!”

What is this?” Pekoe asked, and then stared into the homeless man's eyes for a few moments before saying, “I see, the carnival came to town a few weeks ago, and the wise wizard was tempted by the clown's heathen balloons filled to the brim with brown sugar. Up and away the balloon took him, through the dank, icy cold depths of space into the super massive black hole at the great galactic core where all the devils go to get down and party. For ten thousand years, all the good was sucked out of his clean soul by the milky way's awesome galactic Dyson vacuum cleaner, and bad vibes were strummed in by the gipper demon, thugin' R.W. Reagan. The brown sugar transfiguring slowly you into his loyal servant.” Pekoe took out a harmonica and played it, and after a while, the homeless man's head exploded. Pekoe put away his harmonica and cleaned himself of the blood, then he was completely surrounded in dense smoke.

Terry and I looked at each other. Terry asked, “What the hell just happened.”

You boys ought not to need a television if you just sit around and stare out a window all the time.” a voice from behind us said. Terry and I both turned to see the mysterious Pekoe standing behind us.

Pekoe took a bow, and said, “Good evening Terry, Redphantom, my name is Cannabinoilis Pekoe, world famous architect of righteously funky jams.”

Are you God?” asked Terry.

Pekoe came up to the window and replied, “No, though he and I have met a few times.” Pekoe stared at the dead bodies of a mother and child at the front of our house and said, “It's a damn shame when America is so corrupted that crimes such as that would take place in an distinguished neighborhood such as this.”

Actually, I was just trying to turn that kid into Batman...” I said, “I was going to justify the deaths of the parents with all the lives Batman would save, but...since the kid died too, it's really just a waste.”

Pekoe sighed, “It's always a mighty bad thing when an emperor gives boys guns for toys and then sends them to fetch golden coins from the dragon's den.”

I felt nervous for a second before asking, “So...are you pissed that I killed those people?”

Pekoe shook his head, “Nah, they're white people. All white people go to Hell anyway.”

There was a pause, after which Terry asked Pekoe, “Do you hate white people?”

Nah, I was just using that sentence as a beatin' stick to satirically smack the Christians.” replied Pekoe.

Oh good.” Terry said.

Pekoe laughed and said, “I just made all that up, I do hate white people.” There was a long pause, “Nah, it was satire.” Pekoe paused before adding, “No, actually, I hate white people, or was it...maybe it was satire. Could have been that I hate white people...or possibly it was a stab at Christians.”

Terry and I both looked confused. I noticed that Pekoe was suddenly holding two eggs, one in each of his hands. He cracked them and the yolks fell up to the ceiling and began to sizzle. Pekoe said, “I just scrambled your minds.” Then he began to laugh.

Terry and I merely stared at the ceiling with our mouths wide open. That was all we were able to do. After a time, Pekoe said, “Don't lose your shit, kids, it's just a magic trick.”

How did you do that?” Terry asked in monotone.

Pekoe grinned, “There once was a great carpenter who could turn wood into leaves, and he used to teach that from this day forward no magician shall unveil their secrets to the layman.”

At this point, my other roommate, the rapper Teaspoon, entered the room and exclaimed, “Granddaddy Pekoe!”

Pekoe replied, “What's up, Teaspoon?”

Redphantom, Terry, this is my great grandfather, Cannabinoilis Pekoe, the living blues legend.” Teaspoon said, gesturing towards Pekoe.

Terry asked, “What does Pekoe mean, anyway?”

Pekoe laughed, “It's a name a black kid gets when he hangs out with Hindus all the time.”

Teaspoon said, “That means it's a type of Indian black tea.”

And Cannabinoilis?” Terry asked.

After the great godly Earth mother who's breast provides our tea with all it's goodness, love and warmth.” said Pekoe.

Teaspoon also explained this one, “Oil derived from cannabis, placed in tea to give it the same effects as smoking marijuana.”

Teaspoon waited a moment before asking, “So, why didn't you tell me you had gotten to town, Granddaddy Pekoe?”

Pekoe chuckled, “Oh you know, I was out working my magic and spreading my love before we had our visit.” he paused and said, “Excuse me, gentlemen, but I must go to the great ceramic monument so that I may deposit my waste into the vast and deep caves of the underworld in the hopes that it may one day be cleansed of all sin.” Pekoe left the room, and then looked back at Terry and me, “You boys look awfully blue.”

I did just kill three...well, two, innocent people.” I replied.

Terry shrugged, “You've seen my room.”

Pekoe shook his head, “That's mighty sad, boys, when you're down and feeling blue, all you need to do is go walk on over to the cruel king of aces and burn his golden grass.” With that, Cannabinoilis Pekoe walked off.

Terry stood staring at the door, mystified, “Wow, he was cool.”

Teaspoon smiled with pride, “Yep, that's my Granddaddy Pekoe.”

That stuff he just said was really some really deep shit.” I said, “I wonder what it means.”

It means go get high.” Teaspoon replied, “King is a drug dealer, aces are slang for joints, grass for marijuana, and two famous strains are golden. Quebec Gold and Acapulco Gold. My Granddad sings all of these songs, and everyone assumes they're deep shit about religion and true love, but really, half of them are just about getting high. Think about it, ain't no woman, God, angel or demon ever made a man that happy.” After saying this, Teaspoon left the room.

Dude” Terry said, “We need to go get high.”

I know.” Was my reply.

Terry and I set off to find a drug dealer, running around the neighborhood asking every person we saw if they knew where to find one. We kept running until we heard a voice say, “Slow down, dudes.” and we looked and turned to see that it was a lawn gnome who had spoken to us.

The lawn gnome asked us, “What can you possibly be in such a hurry for?”

We are looking for the cruel king of aces.” I replied.

Well why didn't you just ask someone for help?” said the lawn gnome as he rolled his eyes.

Yeah, we would have helped you if you had asked.” said a dancing pineapple to the left of Terry and I. I looked around and saw that there was also a goat eating potato chips, an armadillo sprawled out on the street, an iguana licking a ball of yarn, an tortoise watching television, and a flamingo who didn't seem to be doing much of anything at all.

Have you heard of the cruel king of aces?” Terry asked the pineapple., I don't think I have.” the pineapple said with a wide smile and a slight giggle as he kept dancing.

I sighed, “Damn man, we need to find him so we can burn his golden grass and get really high.”

The flamingo looked at me and said, “You don't need the golden grass to get high man, that's because the real golden grass is in your soul.” After she had said this, the trees behind her began flapping their limps and flew away into outer space.

The tortoise crawled up to the flamingo and slapped her in the face, “Naive bitch,” he said, “Don't you see that there is no king of aces, there is no golden grass. It's all a trick, an illusion to keep you under control.” The tortoise slapped the flamingo again, “There is no king of aces, it's all the king of spades. He's got you locked down you see, tied up, and all of this is just a movie, a movie projected onto the walls of a cave and you're stuck tied up watching it, not knowing the difference between it and reality.”

The iguana paused from licking the yarn for a moment and said, “Man, you're a dick.” Then everyone burst out in uncontrollable, hysterical laughter.

The armadillo rolled towards Terry and me, and said to us, “I think I may know who knows where the king of aces is.”

Who?” Terry asked.

Carl” The armadillo responded. Then the armadillo shouted, “Carl, Carl, get over here, Carl.”

A cactus walked over to where the three of us were standing. Carl the Cactus said, “What?”

Do you know where the king of aces lives?” asked the armadillo.

What?” Carl asked.

The king of aces, Carl...” replied the armadillo, “Do you have any idea where he lives?”

Oh...” said Carl and then he thought about it, “No man, I have no idea where he lives.”

Terry looked at me and asked, “What now?”

I replied, “I have no idea.”

Then there was a sudden flash of light and smoke, and from the smoke emerged a cat dressed in a wizard's clothing. “Behold, I am Merlin of the noble family Felidae,” The cat said, “And I can take you to the king of aces so that we may all burn his golden grass.”

Sasquatch rode in on a unicycle. He yelled, “But do any of you really want to burn the golden grass?”

The iguana nodded his head, “Yeah man, we've been talking about it for like, hours.”

Sasquatch sighed, “I had a friend once. We used to play on the playground together, eat icecream, play video games, and sometimes, sometimes I'd even take him into the forest against his will and sodomize him for hours.” Sasquatch passed for a moment, looking up and fantasizing about this before adopting a more serious expression and saying, “Then my friend burned the golden grass. And after that, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He said I wasn't real, that I was just a hallucination in his mind. Now do you see what happens when you do drugs? You see cryptids. And then, because you were high, nobody will believe that we exist. I know I'm real, god damn it. None of you are going to tell me I'm not real.”

There was a short pause and a few giggles at this last line before Sasquatch went on, “You may think this is just a game, but every time you do drugs, you're denying a basic right to cryptids. How are we supposed to lobby for voting rights if people don't acknowledge we exist? I wanted to vote for Sarah Palin. How can anyone deny that we are intelligent creatures? How can they lock us up in zoos? Pretending that I am just an abnormally tall ape with a highly developed language center. So what if I like bananas? I'm not an ape. I'm a Bigfoot, and proud of it. But I can't show it, because no one acknowledges I exist. Therefore denying me the basic right to vote. You see, every time you smoke, it's just downright Un-American. Benjamin Franklin would hate you. So, guys, why not sober up?” There was more laughter at this.

Merlin the cat wizard of Felidae rose up after this and yelled at Sasquatch, “Imbecile! We are not high, we are merely experiencing a heightened reality.”

The Sasquatch started to ask, “What?” but he was interrupted when Merlin shot a lightning bolt at his ass. Sasquatch fell to the ground and began to moan in pain.

Merlin rubbed his chin and played with his whiskers, “That's odd, one lightning bolt should not have been enough to knock a Sasquatch to the ground...”

You fools,” the tortoise started as he began to crawl to the Sasquatch, “Do you not see that this is merely a man in a Sasquatch suit?” the tortoise unzipped the Sasquatch suit, revealing a man dressed in formal business attire. The tortoise yelled, “He is an agent of the king of spades sent here to spread his vile lies.”

The agent stood up and said, “Actually, I was just sent by congress.”

The tortoise slapped the agent in the face, “You rat bastard, don't lie to me about your true king. I know the truth.”

I walked up to the agent and asked, “So, why did you make all the Sasquatch shit up?”

The agent replied, “It may be a lie, but it's the only way to keep kids off of drugs...”

Why don't you just point out to kids that the penalty for expressing their God given right to do drugs is imprisonment comparable to that of serial murderers? And that, if they smoke weed, they will be locked up with rapists, murderers, and pedophiles.” I replied before adding, “Emphasize that last one.”

Terry laughed, “He would do that Red, but it would be a loaded sentence designed to convince someone to take the author's stance on a subject. It's not his job to teach the kids how to think. It's his job to educate them...” Terry paused and said, “Wait, the penalties for using drugs are comparable to those of murderers and rapists?”

Batman's head popped out of the agent's chest and said, “That's right, what you have done is worse than murder, two murders, you are attempting to drown out your sins with greater sins, but it won't work Redphantom. I will bring you to justice one day.”

Everyone paused for a while to ponder this, then the goat, still eating his potato chips, said, “Man, I'm hungry.” He looked at the agent and said, “Dude, let's eat his brains.”

At this, all of the people, plants, and animals present began to eat the agent. The agent began to scream, “I can hear you.” It was no longer his voice, and it seemed to be coming from a megaphone. It was a voice that was familiar to me, but I couldn't quite figure out who's it was. It started again, louder, booming, “I can hear you. The rest of thew world hears you. And the people, And the people who knocked these building down will hear all of us soon.” There was some incomprehensible chanting after this and then the agent screamed, “The nation, the nation sends it's love and compassion...”there was some static, “to everybody who is here...” After this, the screams of the agent turned slowly into a mixture of songs from Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. The sound waves were so powerful that they were visible as rainbow colored waves spewing from the agent's mouth.

The noise stopped once we had eaten the agent's entire body. Then there was the sound of an approaching vehicle, and a white van pulled up to us on the side of the road. The driver, a horse, rolled down his window and asked us, “Hey guys, you want to go to Six Flags?”

Yeah, man, lets go to Six Flags.” said the iguana, and his response was echoed by several members of the group.

Thus, we all piled in the van and set off for Six Flags, but we ended up at Worlds of Fun instead.


Rick, the Cryptozoologist Issue 20

Xenpsychous's List(Ten things that are pissing me off)

This is my list of ten things in the news lately that have me pissed off. I was going to type a list of my ten favorite types of fictitious fairies, then I remembered I'm a bitter bastard who hates everything. Children and the sound of laughter most of all.

10. Oxford Dictionary tries to decide which should be the word of the year: unfriend and defriend?: Apparently tweeters and Facebookers have nothing better to do than bitch at Oxford for taking the word unfriend over the more popular defriend. I'll admit, defriend has a nice ring to it, but I ask the question: since when are dictionaries supposed to be hip? Never. You have the English language in your hands. Use the word that is less hip, and has less of a ring to it.
Read it here.

9. Sarah Palin releases Going Rogue: I didn't know Sarah Palin read, let alone write a book. I do know one thing for sure, Sarah Palin knows how to Lie

8. Obama's Education: Call the pope, Obama really is Jesus, he created an education plan worse than George Bush's, and that is a miracle.

7. Michael Jackson Accuser commits suicide: Yawn. Present me with real news, please. Read it here

6. People Magazine Chooses Sexiest Men Alive: These guys only remind me of why I can't get any. On the other hand...they provide a good smokescreen for my shortcomings. Good job.

5. Army Suicides: Soldiers go crazy, some kill themselves, some kill others. Perhaps America should look into this. Maybe it's because we're trying to take away their fucking smokes.

4. World Hunger Hits One Billion: Shit, shit, if you think there are too many McDonald's now, just wait until they realize the opportunity and start opening them in Ethiopia. Stop this atrocity and donate to combat world hunger.

3. Healhcare: At this point, they may as well just send every American a gun and some bullets, and then tell them to go to shooting ranges. They wouldn't want to miss when they get a terminal illness and have their one exit from our shitty healthcare system fail. On the plus-side, all the business for shooting ranges would stimulate the economy.

2. Afghanistan: Maybe we should stay there? Just to prove to Al Queda that America isn't trying to conquer the Middle East and is thus, not worth of attacking.

1. Climate Change: Unless we do something by 2020, we're all royally fucked, yet the leaders of the world are putting off action for another day. If we don't act now, the hippies will come back, not to protest or change the world, but because we'll all need the drugs.

About Me.

My name is Redphantom Xenpsychous. I have a Webcomic, I write short stories, and I go on political rantings. Hi. You may wonder why I have begun a blog. Very simply...I feel like a blog will extend the reach of my website,, and it will give me a more visible space to post my short stories and gag strips.

I suppose I should place some personal information here. I just saw the move The Crow today, and I enjoyed it immensely. I'm 19. I think Alan Moore is a badass. My heroes are Martin Luther King Jr.(No, I'm not black, I'm as white as they come, fuck off, my heroes can be whoever I want.), Gandhi, Winston Churchill, Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain, and George Carlin. Likely, since I have stated this in a public forum, it will soon change. My favorite band is called Mastodon, I've been digging on another band named Amon Amarth lately. If you like death metal, I would check out their cd Versus the World. My favorite move is Pulp Fiction. I like steak, beef, and potatoes. I enjoy the TV shows Venture Bros, Cowboy Bebop, and Penn and Teller Bullshit. Oh, and my favorite color is green.

The top five quotes of the moment in my life are as follows:

"When written in Chinese, the word “crisis” is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity."
-John F. Kennedy

"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
-Albert Camus

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."
-Carl Jung

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."
-Jean de La Fontaine

"Press on and keep pressing. If you can't fly, run; if you can't run, walk; if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."
-Martin Luther King Jr.